Statistics
Let’s start by mentioning some statistics unrelated to the topic, as it is commonly assumed that women are the ones who desire marriage while men resist it. In reality, 66% of divorces are initiated by women. Just to clarify that not every woman’s goal is marriage at any cost.
But for those girls who still dream of marriage, let’s get back to the topic. According to statistics, 50% of couples who get married have lived together before marriage. This suggests that cohabitation probably neither increases nor decreases the chances of getting married.
Reality
The reality is that the goal is to find someone who wants the same things as you do. If a man wants to marry you, he will marry you whether you live with him or not.
Therefore, considering cohabitation as a stepping stone towards a proposal is a mistake. The truth is that most couples who start living together do not have a set wedding date. It is often a matter of cost-saving or sharing rent expenses. Therefore, a woman whose partner hasn’t proposed should not deceive herself into thinking that he will do so just because he suggested living together.
Most men do not view cohabitation differently from any other relationship, and since they won’t propose to the majority of women they date, living together does not increase your chances.
Just as you wouldn’t assume that dating necessarily leads to cohabitation, do not assume that cohabitation will inevitably lead to marriage. Marriage happens when two people want to get married, not just because they live together.
Shared life is marriage
This has always been a kind of truth. Traditionally, shared life has been considered as marriage because living with a man has been regarded as marriage, regardless of whether there was a wedding or not. However, nowadays, there is an increasing number of couples who choose shared life instead of marriage, and for personal reasons, they do not want to get married at all, ever. Most commonly, it’s because they do not believe in the institution of marriage. Considering the fact that every third marriage ends in divorce, it’s hardly surprising that an increasing percentage of people do not want to spend money on a wedding and later on a divorce.
The law also supports this thesis. In most matters, individuals who live in a non-marital partnership for more than three years are treated the same as married partners.
When marriage is the goal
If you still want to get married and you’re already sending the message “save the date” to everyone you know upon moving in with your partner, perhaps you should first have a serious conversation with your partner about it. Seriously. When moving in together, you should check with your partner if you both have the same goals in mind.
Life after cohabitation
Many people believe that cohabitation before marriage is a good idea because it allows partners to “practice” marriage before making a final decision. In some cases, this is true, but for those who live together solely to save money, the results can be disheartening.
Sociologist Pamela Smock, Ph.D., says, “Common sense would assume that premarital cohabitation offers couples an opportunity to learn more about each other, strengthen their bond, and increase the chances of a happy marriage… but contrary to that, evidence suggests a different situation. Premarital cohabitation is associated with lower marriage quality and increased divorce risks.”
Why is the divorce rate higher among couples who cohabitated before marriage?
- Upbringing: Individuals who choose to cohabitate before marriage likely have less belief in the “sanctity” of marriage, are less willing to put in effort, and are more inclined towards divorce. This suggests that these individuals would be more prone to divorce even if they didn’t live together before marriage, but they are more easily inclined towards cohabitation before marriage.
- Transience Effect: Couples who choose cohabitation are aware that it is not marriage. Cohabitation changes individuals’ attitudes towards marriage, and they begin to perceive their partner as something that may or may not last, making it difficult to change their mindset just because of a piece of paper.
As mentioned before, cohabitation does not increase the chances of marriage, but it also does not decrease them. Therefore, cohabitation should be understood as a separate phase of your relationship that can evolve into marriage, but it can also lead to a breakup.
Learning to live together
The most important lesson you need to learn when starting to live together with someone is that once you begin living with another person, you must start considering them.
By nature, people tend to be selfish. From choosing household items to other small things, they make choices that please themselves rather than others. However, when you share your life with someone, you must make space for that person, just as they must make space for you.
The key lies in mastering the art of compromise. There is a fine line between being flexible to accommodate the other person and bending too much to the point of breaking or losing your own identity in the process.
Many women have learned that for the sake of love, they need to sacrifice something and prioritize others. The potential danger of such thinking is that a woman may relinquish her own personality and become something she is not. In order to please her spouse, she gives up her dreams, desires, and needs. In doing so, she gradually loses pieces of herself, including what is most valuable to her. And part of this tragedy is that when you lose yourself, you no longer have much to offer to your partner.
So, what about finding a balance without going too far? You need to clarify with yourself which things are important to you and which are not. Which aspects can you compromise on? Maybe it’s finances, and you may not be able to spend as much on cable or internet anymore? Once you realize that it’s not worth arguing over insignificant matters, you will have fewer disputes about the things that truly matter to you.
Furthermore, you will have to decide who takes care of the tasks that neither of you wants to do. For example, cleaning the bathroom or paying the bills. Someone has to go grocery shopping. If you set aside time in advance, you can create a system that works well for both of you. Of course, it won’t resemble the system your mother practiced, but it’s important to find a middle ground that suits you and the needs of your cohabitation.
There will always be things on which you won’t agree, but fortunately, they will be minor issues.
