Feeling like you “have to” be happy is easy, but truly feeling it is challenging. In a toxic positivity culture, waking up less than joyful can be uncomfortable, especially when seeing friends’ happy vacation or wedding posts on social media.
In the culture of toxic positivity, it can be quite uncomfortable when you wake up in the morning and don’t feel completely happy. This bad feeling is likely to intensify when you open your Instagram or Facebook profile and see your smiling friends on vacation or at a wedding.
It is easy to feel like you “have to” be happy, but it’s not so easy to actually feel that way. Experts say that there are likely some behaviors and attitudes that prevent you from feeling happy, and they have discovered what hinders you on the path to feeling happy and fulfilled and have provided advice on how to overcome negativity.
Shame, guilt, and worry
“Based on my daily work with people, I believe that shame, guilt, and worry are the most common inhibitors on the path to happiness,” says Tamika Lewis, a psychotherapist, clinical director, and founder of WOC Therapy mental health clinic in California.
“When you have any of these feelings, you hold yourself hostage to past life experiences or worries about the future. In other words, you are not present in the current moment, and that really undermines the feeling of pleasure and joy. One way to overcome these feelings is to practice self-compassion, to be gentle with yourself, and engage in mindfulness techniques that will help you stay rooted in the present moment,” Lewis says, adding that she often talks to her patients about the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono technique, an ancient method of apology and forgiveness.
“It involves four statements to say: ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you,’ and I encourage my clients to close their eyes and repeat that mantra four times. It really affects those feelings mentioned, guilt, shame, and everything else. And there is love as a reminder of self-love. Sometimes it can be helpful to say that mantra while looking at yourself in the mirror,” Lewis explains, adding that gratitude is another way to help fight feelings of shame, guilt, and worry.
“I know it sounds like a cliché, but I think a lot can change if we focus on the things we are grateful for. For example, if we tend to be critical of our bodies, it can be very helpful to be grateful for everything our body enables us to do.”
Inactivity in life
Many psychotherapists say that many of their clients often don’t engage in activities and decisions that make them happy and don’t pursue their interests that bring them joy. This may look like staying in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you or avoiding changing jobs due to conformity.
“I think some people get stuck in cycles of rumination. And that actually prevents them from taking any steps towards what would bring them joy,” says Sadaf Siddiqi, a psychotherapist and mental health counselor from New York City.
“Procrastination or postponing things might be the cause, maybe even fear or anxiety, but for some people, it’s a distracting behavior where they are so overly focused on someone else that they are not aware of what they should be doing for themselves. For example, if you are obsessed with your sister’s bad life decisions, then you fall into the category of ‘distracting behavior.’ However, inactivity in your own life is sometimes related to not having a strong connection with yourself,” Siddiqi says, emphasizing that being active in living a joy-filled life must be conscious. In a society that is prone to excess production and is always in pursuit of something, sometimes being active can mean stopping and taking a step back. Taking action must be relevant to what is happening in your life, your goals, and desires. This can be intimidating for many people because proactivity comes with risks. Therefore, Siddiqi warns that it is important to understand that no matter which path you choose, you will make mistakes.
“If you always avoid taking any action because you are afraid you might mess up or fail at something, it will be very paralyzing, something like paralysis of activity,” Siddiqi says, advising her clients to take micro-steps, which may not be as exciting as big steps because they don’t bring immediate gratification, but significant change often comes from small details.
Comparing yourself to others
According to Stephanie Dahlberg, a clinical psychologist from Thriveworks mental health clinic in New Hampshire, comparing yourself to others is another behavior that distances us from happiness. Comparative thinking is what you do while scrolling through social media and seeing a person who seems to have everything in life, and their pictures and posts are phenomenal. Even if you don’t think or say to yourself, “I want that too” or “I wish I had that kind of life,” just looking at a different life situation naturally leads you to compare yourself to people you follow on social media.
“Unfortunately, I think our culture and society are set up that way. Sometimes it can be good to be competitive because it drives us to learn, grow, and always strive for the best, but sometimes our culture and society take it a little too far, so we are constantly comparing ourselves to someone else or comparing what we have to what someone else has or doesn’t have,” says Dahlberg, pointing out that if you want to stop comparing yourself to others, it’s best to limit the time you spend on social media.
“Instead of opening Instagram or Facebook as soon as you wake up, open your note-taking app and write down five things you are grateful for. Starting the day with gratitude can be a great way to start the day positively, to activate endorphins, and feel a little happier throughout the day,” advises Dahlberg, warning that you should constantly keep in mind that what you see on social media or hear from acquaintances’ embellished stories is not the whole picture.
“It can be really hard to be satisfied with your life if you constantly compare yourself to people who display only the best parts of their lives,” says psychologist Shavonne Moore-Lobban.
“We mostly don’t have access to the hardest and most challenging moments in someone’s life, the natural curve consisting of ups and downs; we only see the brightest moments. Any vulnerability is not accepted in society. Just remember how you thought that someone was seeking attention and exaggerating when they shared some negative information. I think that is an unintentional way we actually encourage people to show only the best side of themselves, beautiful moments, and their optimism,” says Moore-Lobban, advising you to remember this when you see a celebrity’s photo at a glamorous party or your neighbor’s post about how she renovated her apartment.
“Should have” statements
“Another thing that goes hand in hand with comparative thinking is expectations, such as what your life should be like or how you should look. These are the so-called ‘should have’ statements that can refer to minor things, like ‘I should have done the laundry today,’ or often absurd ones like ‘I should have progressed more in my career by now’ or ‘I should feel more fulfilled and happy.’ With such ‘should have’ statements, you are leaving the present moment,” Dahlberg warns, advising you to try to focus on being present in the moment you are in, look at what is around you, what is good in front of you at that moment, and what you can appreciate about yourself, especially if you are going through a difficult time. This will make it easier for you to feel happier.
In the context of adults, according to Siddiqi, the lack of a strong connection with oneself hinders the feeling of happiness.
It’s like outsourcing your own worth; you don’t know your own strength and limitations. If you are a person who outsources their worth, it means that your feelings about yourself come from other people’s opinions and society in general. Moreover, if you don’t know your own worth, your own strength, and limitations, it will be challenging to determine what can fulfill you and make you happy or empty. Understanding yourself is crucial, and that includes accepting your ups and downs. It doesn’t mean you should ignore your limitations, but rather, you should think about how to cope with them – Siddiqi explains. Having a strong connection with yourself enables you to learn what you need to feel good and how to set healthy boundaries.
Ignoring Deep Issues
It can be challenging to be honest and vulnerable in a society that prefers the mindset of “the glass is always half full.” However, when you ignore significant problems, you actually harm your happiness, especially when it comes to trauma – says Moore-Lobban. Trauma is present in our society in various ways, whether it’s trauma people experienced in relationships, families, childhood, adulthood, or trauma resulting from homophobia, xenophobia, etc. All the things in life that are so difficult that they surpass our ability to cope with them, stay with us for a longer time.
As difficult as it may be, it is essential to “unpack” that trauma if you want to achieve what you deserve in life. You have to look deep beneath it all to be able to recover and heal from it. I believe that being able to explore and understand the experiences people have in life, even when they are very challenging and negative, is part of the path to happiness – says Moore-Lobban. She adds that if you cannot find a way to confront your deep issues and be honest about them, you are not being honest or fair to yourself, and it won’t help with healing the wounds or achieving a sense of happiness. Siddiqi believes that people find it difficult to feel happy due to mental health problems hidden beneath the surface, such as depression or mood disorders, which biologically prevent them from experiencing joy. In such cases, seeking professional help may be necessary.
Isolation
Isolation is the main cause of a lack of happiness and even depression, according to Lewis.
We are connected on social media, but I believe it’s essential to consider who we are connected with during the day. It has become too common to go days without contacting our closest individuals, and that can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. To prevent feeling isolated, call your family members more frequently, invite a friend or neighbor for a drink, or arrange a dinner or drinks with colleagues after work – advises Lewis.
How can you “capture” more joy in everyday life?
The first step is intention.
When most people wake up, they think about their to-do list, but I like to think about how I want to feel today. The day then starts in a completely different way – says Lewis. For example, if she decides she wants to feel relaxed today, she will think about things she can add to her day to achieve that feeling.
This may sound a bit dark, but you can also try imagining it’s your last day of life. Then ask yourself, “What do I want to do on my last day of life?” and “How do I want to feel?” Then try to make decisions for the rest of the day based on that – advises Lewis, adding that if you decide not to be grumpy, make an effort to let your actions and words reflect that attitude.
I know that everyone probably goes through some deeper problems at some point in life, but one thing we can truly control is the present moment. And try not to make happiness your ultimate and sole goal. When my clients say, “I just want to be happy,” I ask them, “What does happiness mean to you?” and then they respond with things like, “I want to get married,” “I want to graduate,” “I want to lose 5 kilograms”… These are all specific goals, and over time, they will realize that even after achieving these goals, they will still have many other issues in life and a feeling that they haven’t attained happiness – says Siddiqi. Therefore, she advises clients to think about the choices they have on the path to that feeling instead of making happiness the goal. To be open to happiness and embrace it, you need to be able to accept your ups and downs.
Even in your darkest moments, you need to be open to finding the good things, and likewise, even in your brightest moments, you need to be grounded enough to remember that it’s temporary, and ups and downs in life are normal. There is no one final goal you should identify with your sense of happiness. If you do that, you’ll condemn yourself to forever searching and waiting for that non-existent moment – warns Siddiqi, while Lewis emphasizes that there is a lot of toxic positivity around desires like “I just want to be happy.” Happiness looks different for different people, so it would be better to task yourself with feeling more joy or fulfillment in life.
