Postcoital dysphoria refers to feelings of extreme anxiety and sadness that occur after sex
Besides enjoying the warm embrace of a loved one, post-sex cuddling and affection have other benefits. During that time, the body releases oxytocin, often referred to as the “bonding hormone,” which provides a sense of comfort and warmth. However, while this may be a pleasurable experience for some, others may not enjoy it as much. It’s possible that your partner may not be keen on snuggling up to your hot and sticky body after orgasm and simply needs some time to cool down. Or perhaps they find cuddling too intimate, especially if your relationship lacks closeness or if they are reserved and closed off when it comes to showing emotions. However, your husband or partner may have entirely different reasons for their aversion to post-sex affection that you are unaware of. In any case, if you yearn for tenderness after sex and your partner is never in the mood for it, it’s crucial to have a conversation about it. This discussion might bring about changes in their perspective, allowing you to find a compromise, or it may not lead to any resolution. Regardless of the outcome, discussing why they are uninterested in post-sex affection can help you understand why they are emotionally distant in that situation, identify the needs you have as a couple and individually, and work together to find a solution so that both of you feel satisfied and comfortable after sex.
Psychological reasons can be the cause
According to Shan Boodram, a Canadian psychologist and certified sexologist, there are various reasons why someone may not desire closeness and cuddling after sex, and one of the common ones is known as post-sexual blues or postcoital dysphoria. Individuals experiencing post-sexual blues often withdraw after sex or experience a significant mood and emotional decline.
“Postcoital dysphoria refers to feelings of extreme anxiety and sadness that occur after sex, and although it typically occurs in individuals who have experienced some form of sexual trauma, in my practice, I have seen many patients who haven’t had any traumatic experiences but still frequently experience negative emotions after sex,” explains Boodram. Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, a sexologist and family therapist, says that the reason for post-sex moodiness can also be a physiological reaction. “Some people feel sadness after sex due to hormonal and chemical changes in the body that follow such an intense experience,” says O’Reilly, emphasizing that for some, it can be like coming down from a state of euphoria to reality, temporarily making them feel sad. Shan Boodram adds that some individuals, if they feel sadness after sex, may long for physical affection, while others may not. They might prefer to do something else after orgasm to lift their mood, such as eating, smoking, or watching something relaxing, or they may want some time alone or simply to sleep. The possibility of physiological reasons for avoiding affection after sex is also acknowledged by sexologist Ireen Fehr.
“One reason why cuddling may not be on your partner’s mind after sex could be post-orgasmic fatigue. Sex followed by orgasm, especially if it’s a very intense whole-body orgasm, can knock a person out and create a strong need for sleep and withdrawal. Such a person may not want to cuddle or physically may not be able to if they have an overwhelming need to sleep,” says Fehr, noting that another possible reason for avoiding affection after sex could be sensory overload. After sex, some people may find cuddling uncomfortable because their bodies become hypersensitive, and every touch simply feels “too much.”
In addition to physiological reasons for avoiding affection, experts believe that it’s possible that a partner is concerned about the level of vulnerability they might display during cuddling after sex.
“Cuddling is considered a form of deep intimacy, so your partner, who may already have a fear of intimacy, might avoid any tender physical contact other than the sexual act itself, in order to maintain their distance or ensure that you maintain yours,” explains Boodram.
“When things slow down after the sexual act and you no longer have to ‘perform’ or do anything, cuddling comes in as an extremely gentle and vulnerable activity, as a time when you need to set aside your persona of a great lover and the need to ‘prove’ yourself in bed and face your partner in a natural, authentic state. That’s very intimate and can be intimidating for many people who otherwise hide behind their sexual performance or the walls they’ve built around their true emotions,” says Fehr.
There is a possibility that your partner may change their attitude toward cuddling after sex if you explain why it is important to you, but you won’t know unless you bring up the topic. However, experts agree that you should not broach this subject during sex or generally in the bedroom.
“Bringing up the topic during or after sex would put your partner in an extremely vulnerable position where they have to respond, not only while still being aroused or completely relaxed after orgasm but also at a moment when they are very open and vulnerable. That would be somewhat manipulative as it would make them feel trapped,” explains Fehr, adding that besides not wanting to involve your partner in a conversation as if in a trap, it’s also not desirable to start the conversation while doing something else because it’s not a topic for casual discussion while, for example, washing dishes or ironing. “Choose a time when both of you feel relaxed, calm, and can give each other attention. Then ask your partner about what they like to do after sex and why it suits them, and you can also ask them what they enjoy most about sex and what, in their opinion, defines good sex. Their answers, provided they are willing to engage in such an honest conversation, will also allow you to express your needs and feelings about sex,” advises Boodram.
The solution can only be sought together
The most important thing, emphasized by Fehr, is to remember that finding a solution can only succeed if both partners are willing to find a solution that makes both of them feel comfortable. The approach to solving the problem will depend on what your partner has told you about why they don’t enjoy cuddling after sex. If the reasons are physical, perhaps you can find a way together for them to feel more relaxed and comfortable during cuddling. If the reason is related to emotions or intimacy, try to find a way together where they would feel “safe,” and definitely slow down. Fehr advises starting with brief non-sexual cuddling to see if that is acceptable to your partner.
Of course, there is always the possibility that even after expressing your desire and need for post-sex affection, your partner may still not be interested in any form of it. Although this can be very frustrating, it should be acknowledged that they have the right to have different needs than yours. However, for a person who feels the need for post-sex affection, it will be very difficult to feel satisfied and fulfilled after sex if it is missing. Therefore, you should ask yourself if post-sex cuddling is something you can do without. Similarly, your partner should consider if they can meet your needs or if what you are asking for is too much for them. Whatever the outcome of such a conversation, it is important to approach it with understanding and patience. It can be a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with your partner on a more intimate level and improve your sexual life. It can also be an opportunity to reassess your relationship and feelings, which sometimes leads to realizing that you may be with the wrong person. The key is to not “skip” such a conversation just because post-sex cuddling may not seem like such an important topic to you. As long as you wonder why your partner doesn’t want to embrace you after sex, it means that this topic is important to you because it affects your satisfaction and fulfillment in sex and the relationship as a whole.
