Perhaps it is best to start by saying that this is one of the most common questions clients ask sex therapists, which speaks volumes about its prevalence and, everyone agrees, its normalcy.
Clients often feel disloyal or unfaithful to their partner in some way if they have any sexual fantasies while being intimate with them. But we are all sexual beings, and almost everyone has fantasies. They serve to create sexual desire and excitement and can be inspirational in some cases (but certainly not in all) – says Tanya Koens, a clinical and somatic sexologist and relationship counselor from Sydney.
A study conducted by a British sex toy company, involving 1,300 individuals, revealed that about 44 percent of people fantasize about someone else during sex with their partner. Another study showed that many people fantasize about things they themselves do not do. It could be something they would like to try, something they feel they are missing in their own sex life, or perhaps they have fantasies about things that excite them but they would never act upon in real life. And that, according to Koens, is what triggers the feeling of shame about their fantasies.
They feel ashamed because the things they fantasize about are something they would never actually do or even desire in real life. Or their fantasies contradict their beliefs and values. That’s the nature of fantasies – they often contain elements that come from our hidden selves and are part of our erotic imagination. A good example is threesomes, something that many people would never actually desire in reality and may even find repulsive. An even better example is rape fantasy. The book “Women on Top” by Nancy Friday contains fantasies sent by women from all over the world, and almost a third of the book consists of rape fantasies. None of these women would desire such an experience in real life, yet fantasizing about it can strangely be arousing – Koens explains.
They bring many benefits
It is certain that sexual thoughts and fantasies may arise in our minds during sex with our intimate partner. If we choose to accept them as something normal and fun, we increase the chances of sexual satisfaction and pleasure. However, if we allow them to trigger shame in us, they will only disconnect us from the “hot situation,” cause anxiety and emotional stress, ultimately diminishing our sexual enjoyment and satisfaction – warns Koens. It is important to remember that our mind is our largest sexual organ and plays a crucial role in sex, especially as we age. Research has shown that individuals who frequently have sexual fantasies have a higher sexual desire, a higher level of sexual satisfaction, and increased chances of reaching orgasm. They are also more relaxed and open in the bedroom. Other experts agree that playing a “hot and dirty” movie in your mind can have numerous benefits and give a completely new dimension to your sex life. As Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones says, thoughts are just thoughts, and you don’t have to act on them to experience excitement.
Sexual fantasies can bring more sexual pleasure (if thinking about sex with someone else can arouse you, it can positively impact better sex and more enjoyment with your partner), help you better understand your desires in sex, and serve as inspiration, such as for role-playing that excites you. In couples’ sexual therapy, this is a very useful tool for revitalizing their sexual lives. Tanya Koens mentions some examples of how beneficial sexual fantasies can be, even if they involve other people or things that you would otherwise consider inappropriate. For instance, individuals with erectile dysfunction use them to achieve higher levels of arousal and maintain an erection. Similarly, many women have admitted that they feel it takes them too long to reach orgasm, so they use fantasies to speed up the process.
Does he need to know?
Here we come to a crucial question: isn’t it, in some way, cheating? While it would be ideal to be fully present in body and mind during every sexual encounter with our partner, it’s natural for our minds to occasionally wander. Thinking about work deadlines or a growing to-do list is not a big sin, but what if our thoughts drift towards hot scenes with someone else? Is that wrong?
Not at all. It’s a fantasy, existing solely in your own mind, and it doesn’t mean you will act on it or try to make it a reality. We rely on sexual fantasies to arouse ourselves. They serve to intensify our sexual experience. It’s a place to escape and play with things that may seem exciting to you. It’s a safe space that exists only in your head, and that’s perfectly fine – believes Aleeya Hachem, a sexologist from the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine. When faced with such a question from her clients, she responds with a counter-question, “Do you consider it some kind of micro-infidelity?” The most common answer is that they would probably feel hurt if they discovered that their partner fantasizes about someone else while making love with them. – If you feel guilty about it, then it might be a micro-infidelity because if you feel remorse, it’s very likely that you have feelings for the person you fantasize about or perhaps you desire to bring your fantasy with someone else to life. However, if you consider the fantasy as just a fantasy, not something you genuinely want to do, then there is no talk of infidelity – concludes Hachem. Rhian Kivits, a sexologist and marriage therapist from Plymouth, agrees with her. She says that if the fantasizing exists only in your head, and you have no intention of taking any action on it, it is not cheating, nor does it mean you don’t love your partner or find them attractive. However, she adds that such fantasies are not okay if you know that you would rather be with the person you imagine during sex or if you actually no longer want to be with your partner.
In that case, it is possible that you are using fantasies to maintain a relationship that you don’t actually want. Also, if you rely on your fantasies every time to get aroused, you might be using them as a “band-aid” for some cracks in the relationship. If that’s the case, it would be better to think about what you could improve in the relationship, so you can increase your sexual pleasure together and work on resolving any issues in the bedroom – says Kivits.
Only you know your partner well enough to determine whether they would be hurt or not by knowing your fantasies and whether revealing them would harm or benefit the relationship. Sharing fantasies with your partner can spice things up in the bedroom and make sex more exciting, but the decision is yours. You have the right to privacy, and you don’t have to share every thought with your partner – emphasizes Kivits. Tanya Koens also asserts that our partners do not own our thoughts. Some of her clients insisted on knowing their partner’s fantasies, but fantasies, she highlights, are personal, and we have no obligation to reveal them to our partner or anyone else.
