International columnist and relationship expert Jana Hocking reveals the mantra that completely transformed her sex life, for the better, of course.
Recently, I wrote about the main reason why women don’t achieve orgasms to the extent they desire. In short, the reason is that guys think that “thrusting” or what was once called “banging” is enough for female orgasms. Let’s be honest, part of the blame lies with us because we often get bored, fake orgasms, and try to deceive our partners. The man lies there silently satisfied with himself while we lie beside him wondering why he didn’t spend more time on foreplay or stimulating our clitoral area. And that’s where any communication breakdown occurs, says Jana Hocking to the New York Post.
Why there is no orgasm
It turns out there is another good reason why we don’t experience orgasms as often as men do. It’s because we are more focused on what’s happening in our heads rather than our bodies. For example, Jane realized that she always tried to be on top because she didn’t want her partner to see how flat her breasts were. She was so preoccupied in her mind, thinking about how her body looked during sex, that she forgot about the sensations that an attractive man who wanted to enjoy himself could give her.
It was like that until recently when I talked to a man who, in the middle of sex, told me that I was super paranoid, that I needed to stop worrying about how I looked and start focusing on what I feel. He literally interrupted my train of thought and said, “Stop constantly trying to keep your breasts lifted. I want to see them in their natural state.” I thought I was holding them in a seductive position, but he wouldn’t give up. He explained to me that breasts standing upright look too artificial and that when it comes to the moment when he is undressed, he is already so excited that he doesn’t care which way my breasts sway. In fact, he likes my breasts.
Blessed are the men and their ability to be fully focused on the act of sex itself, rather than appearance. I swear, a thief could rob the entire house during sex, and they wouldn’t even notice. They are consumed by what they’re doing and the pleasure they enjoy. So why are most of us women so obsessed with our appearance during sex? There is a simple, albeit somewhat dark, reason… – she says and adds:
Women have been raised to always be aware of their bodies. In the ’90s and early 21st century, magazines plastered headlines with pictures of famous ladies looking awful on the beach due to visible cellulite. Moreover, they marked cellulite with a red circle in case readers didn’t notice it right away. TV shows like Love Island convinced us that breasts must always look perky and lively. They convinced us that the ideal female body is one with prominent breasts and buttocks but without any excess fat. Oh no, that must not exist. And let’s not forget that we were preached to about our hair needing to be shoulder-length. A leg with visible hair, caught between two shavings, was considered disgusting.
And what happens when you undress in bed with your partner? Suddenly, you become aware of every little thing you dislike about your body. It’s so exhausting.
Try this
Sex educator Shadeen Francis recently said, “Resist the urge to detach from your body and return to your head.” – It’s very easy for people to enjoy themselves and then let their thoughts take them out of that pleasure. These thoughts may sound like, “Do I look fat?” – Francis said, explaining that these are all internalized messages that keep us away from the potential for pleasure.
So, how do we get out of our heads in bed?
I got to work Googling and found some excellent answers to that question. First, when you notice yourself doing it, take a few deep breaths and start focusing on the sensations in your body. On what brings you pleasure. And stay there. Second, repeat a mantra in your mind. Something like, “I am present” or “I am a sexual being deserving of fulfillment.” It sounds silly, but I’ve tried both mantras, and they really work.
And third, remind yourself that the person you’re with is too caught up in the enjoyment to notice trivial things like a little belly or visible cellulite. As one of my best friends said, “I’m only focused on wanting sex.” And he added, “All breasts are beautiful breasts.”
So, please, women, for the love of everything, stop being spectators and fully immerse yourself in the moment. Sex can be magical if you allow yourself to relax – she concluded.
