While it is possible, and largely dependent on your definition of love, maintaining a genuine relationship with two people can be very challenging in practice.
When we think of love – true, romantic, and passionate love – we tend to envision two people who mean everything to each other, which ultimately excludes the possibility of anyone else entering that picture. However, when a single person claims to be in love with two individuals they are not in a relationship with, it can be easily dismissed as merely liking two different people with the same intensity. For many, the concept of being in love excludes the possibility of having feelings for two people simultaneously, believing that love can only be directed towards one person at any given time. But how accurate are these viewpoints? Is it possible to love two people at the same time, to feel intense love, infatuation, and passion for more than one person? Here’s what relationship therapists and sexologists specializing in intimate relationships have to say.
The Meaning of Love
Before attempting to answer whether it is possible to love two people simultaneously, it is essential to define what love actually means. Love is a significant concept with a long history, and it is challenging to imagine a culture without a term for this emotion or an individual who has never uttered the word “love” in relation to someone or something, regardless of how fleeting, weak, or unusual that feeling may be. Considering all this, it seems not only possible but also straightforward to love multiple people at the same time.
- “It is absolutely possible to love several people at once. Just think of family members, children, or dear friends: you can hold all of them in your heart simultaneously,” says Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of the book “Dr. Romance‘s Guide to Finding Love Today.” Moreover, it also appears possible, and quite common, to feel attracted to more than one person simultaneously.
- Love differs from the chemistry between two people. Chemistry is a short-term chemical reaction in our bodies that creates an intense feeling, causing you to lose your ability to think clearly and can deceive you into thinking you are experiencing deep love when it is actually a shallow infatuation, explains American sexologist and relationship expert Laurel House. However, this does not mean that these feelings cannot be just as intense as love in its early stages.
- Infatuation can exist even when you do not know the person you think you are infatuated with. Hence, you can have passionate feelings that are connected to your perception of that person, rather than reality. Just because you feel excitement when you see someone or find that person intensely attractive, it does not necessarily mean you would feel fulfilled and happy in a relationship with them, says Jess O‘Reilly, a Canadian sexologist and psychotherapist specializing in intimate relationships.
- For example, infatuation may actually be a form of attraction and liking, and a significant part of these feelings may fade away once you get to know the person better. This is because a significant part of the passionate love we experience when we meet someone new is tied to “novelty” – the unknown, imagination, and mysterious images we create in our minds. Once we get to know the person better, the excitement often dissipates, adds O‘Reilly, emphasizing that only time can reveal if what we feel is true love.
Love Is a Choice
Considering the difference between love for someone and mere liking or infatuation, genuinely loving two people at the same time is undoubtedly not a common occurrence. It requires deep emotions and investment in a romantic relationship, which can be very challenging for most individuals to maintain towards multiple people.
- “I believe it is entirely possible to love more than one person simultaneously. American poet Walt Whitman was right when he said that we contain ‘multitudes.’ One person can bring out your confidence and sexiness, and you will love that person for it. Another person can give you a sense of security, feeling loved and connected, and you will love that person for it as well. Your brain will release dopamine for both of them because they both make you feel special and loved, albeit in different ways,” says relationship coach Connell Barrett. Laurel House also believes that you can love one person for what you see in them and because you respect them, while simultaneously loving someone else for entirely different, yet equally attractive, characteristics.
- However, it is worth noting that love is a choice. Love does not just happen on its own. You choose to open your heart and see the beauty in someone, feel vulnerability, let go of your guards and defenses, allow your heart to be open, and permit yourself to love and feel infatuated, says House. O‘Reilly warns that certain logical considerations should also be taken into account.
- The fact that we can love multiple people simultaneously does not mean that everyone should have multiple parallel romantic or sexual relationships. It is up to you to decide what works best for you and what you have the capacity for. Perhaps you do not have the time, energy, and resources to maintain two romantic relationships simultaneously, or perhaps you do have the time, energy, and resources to manage multiple romantic relationships at once. On the other hand, you may not feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. You may feel restricted because you have to limit your love for other potential partners. You may discover this accidentally when you begin to feel love or attachment to multiple people simultaneously, says O‘Reilly.
If you are already in a relationship
Being in a relationship with someone does not prevent you from feeling something for someone else, either unexpectedly or deliberately. Of course, it is possible to develop intense feelings for two people simultaneously without ever going on a date or being in a relationship with either of them. However, the situation becomes much more complex if you are in a relationship where you love your partner (or partner), and suddenly you feel something akin to love for someone else.
- “You can be passionately infatuated with someone while being in a relationship with someone else. A relationship is a logical choice, while falling in love is unconscious. It’s like an arrow hitting your heart – you can’t do anything about it. This often happens when a long-term relationship becomes more like a friendship, and then you fall in love with someone who reignites the dormant passion within you,” explains Barrett. This often leads to infidelity.
- Long-term relationships often develop characteristics of a sibling-like relationship over time, and sexual connection gradually fades if partners do not know how to keep it alive, leaving room for falling in love (or just desire) with someone else, says Tessina. For some people, seeking sexual adventure is the only aspect of their infidelity. For others, seeking adventure may lead to developing genuine, deeper feelings for another person, regardless of whether the affair is physically consummated.
- You may be in an emotionally cold or distant relationship where you have consciously chosen to close your heart or have never felt comfortable being completely open from the beginning. And then you meet someone who makes you feel secure, noticed, and sexy, and you become vulnerable, real, emotionally connected, and fall in love with that person, says House.
What does that say about you?
Feeling love for two people at the same time can be very exhausting and nerve-wracking. To begin with, our society tends to convince people that it is not possible, let alone desirable, to be in such a situation. Moreover, it often takes the form of some kind of deception, combined with the possibility that if either of the two people finds out about the other, everything will fall apart, and you would likely be left stressed with one of the two people.
- If you love two people at the same time, forgive yourself. It just means that you are a human being, and two people meet your needs for connection, love, and partnership. Yes, it is complicated, but it is not a reason to feel shame,” says Barrett.
- Instead of seeing your feelings as something bad about yourself, it would be much more useful to see them as a sign that something in your current relationship is not satisfying you. From that perspective, you can analyze your relationship, rather than attributing everything in your mind to the attraction to the other person. For example, if you feel that you love two people, it may be a sign that something is missing in the intimacy with your partner, and you don’t know how to deal with deeper aspects of the relationship, so you allow someone else to distract you from those difficult issues and problems. This is actually a way to avoid intimacy and attempts to create closeness with the person you are in a relationship with, believes Tessina.
- It all comes down to this: if you have enough free time and emotional openness to start falling in love with someone else, it implies that you are not completely focused and not investing enough in the person you are already in a relationship with. Instead of being in love with two different people at once, it might be more accurate to say that you are not truly in love with either of them. Perhaps you feel attached to your real partner and maybe you feel desire towards someone new, but neither of those feelings meets the criteria of true love.
And now what?
Considering that monogamy is increasingly making way for some more flexible alternatives nowadays, it is possible that you could successfully transition from a monogamous to a polyamorous relationship. However, even if your partner generally views polyamory favorably, if you suddenly reveal to them that you have already fallen in love with someone else, you may not receive a good reaction. – Nonetheless, what you should never do is start weaving a web of lies, maintaining both relationships in secrecy. This can only cause a great deal of stress, hurt feelings, and anger. If you want to consider the possibility of polyamory or try it, you should have honest conversations with both sides (with each one separately) to see if the other individuals are on board with it, says Barrett. Love is a powerful emotion, and most people understand it well enough to comprehend situations where they truly have strong feelings. If you genuinely feel that you love two people at the same time, especially if you are in a relationship with one of them and feelings are developing towards another person, you owe it to yourself and those two individuals to explore what is really happening with you emotionally.
- For monogamous individuals, this can be very confusing, stressful, and they may be overwhelmed by various emotions if they love two people at the same time. Especially because dominant socio-cultural patterns suggest that we should find “the one” – meaning only one person, says O‘Reilly.
- If you are already exploring some form of polyamorous arrangement (where both people you like are okay with it), it can be very fulfilling, but it is by no means simple, warns O‘Reilly, adding that it is very easy that you may not have the time or capacity to devote to both relationships simultaneously, whether you identify as a polyamorous person or not. Ultimately, what you will do depends on how strongly you are tied to the concept of monogamy. O‘Reilly suggests starting by asking yourself why you are monogamous in the first place. You can begin to think about it by asking yourself questions like – what attracted me to monogamy, what benefits do I see in it, what downsides do I see in it, or what is the cost I have to pay for it, how do I define monogamy, or how often do I think about other options?
- Perhaps you entered into a monogamous relationship because of social norms, not because you felt it was right for you. I’m not saying that you should leave monogamy if that structure suits your relationship, but it’s worth thinking about why you are monogamous in the first place – says O‘Reilly, adding that you should be gentle with yourself because you are not a bad person for feeling something for two people.
