Relationships characterized by an unwholesome dynamic and difficulties typically contribute to heightened levels of tension, discord, and anxiety.
Unhealthy relationships can have a profoundly detrimental impact on your health, happiness, and overall well-being. Some relationships are blatantly toxic or even violent, but the problem lies in the fact that there are other subtle unhealthy patterns in relationships that can be challenging to recognize. No relationship is perfect, but it’s important to know how to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship and understand what you need to do to change it or end it.
Common characteristics of unhealthy relationships
Every relationship is unique and can change over time. However, there are some key factors that typically characterize unhealthy relationships. Relationships marked by unhealthy dynamics and issues usually contribute to higher levels of tension, conflict, and stress. This can apply to romantic relationships, but other types of relationships can also exhibit unhealthy patterns, including relationships with family members, friends, or coworkers.
Control
In an unhealthy relationship, one person may attempt to control the life of the other. This can be done through intimidation, but control can also involve other forms of manipulation. Sometimes, such a person hides behind behaviors that appear extremely devoted and loving. However, in reality, this behavior is consciously used to keep the other person in check and prevent them from doing things or going to places beyond their control. Controlling behavior can include isolating the other person from friends and family. It can also involve restricting access to finances or making it difficult for the other person to leave such a situation. Control can also manifest as possessiveness and jealousy. While both are normal human emotions, they become unhealthy when someone tries to control everything you do, attacks you as soon as they become upset, or accuses you of infidelity.
Lack of Trust
Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by a lack of trust. You may feel like you have to hide things from your partner or frequently feel like they are keeping things from you. In order to build healthy trust, both individuals in the relationship need to agree to mutual self-disclosure. This involves revealing things about yourself over time as the relationship evolves and deepens. The process of sharing and listening contributes to a sense of emotional intimacy and closeness. However, if you feel that you cannot trust the other person with your deepest feelings, you are unlikely to disclose your emotions, thoughts, or memories to them. The level of trust between you and your partner may be influenced in part by your attachment style. Such behavioral patterns are usually established in childhood based on interactions and experiences with parents or caregivers, but they continue to shape your behavior and reactions in romantic relationships in adulthood. If you were unable to rely on the people you should have been able to trust the most during childhood, it is possible that you will find it difficult to trust your romantic partner.
Disrespect
Disrespect can take various forms in unhealthy relationships. It can sometimes mean someone disregarding the other person. In other cases, it can involve overt mockery or ridicule of the other person’s opinions or interests. This disrespect is often experienced as rejection, which can evoke a range of emotions, including hurt, embarrassment, guilt, loneliness, shame, and social anxiety.
Poor Communication
Good communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by patterns of ineffective communication. This can include avoiding discussing problems, sidestepping difficult topics, expecting the other person to read minds, not actively listening, adopting a defensive stance, or shutting down to avoid confronting relationship issues. Research has shown that communication style is a key predictor of divorce and has a more significant impact than loyalty, stress, and personality when it comes to the success of a marital relationship.
Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship
Relationships often evolve and change, and sometimes they can become strained over time. A relationship may generally be healthy when everything is going smoothly, but the presence of stressors can create tension and pressure. People may react to this by resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms or engaging in behaviors that ultimately harm the health of the relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by:
- infidelity
- accusations
- bullying
- control
- disrespect
- dishonesty
- drama
- emotional abuse
- fear
- financial dishonesty or exploitation
- psychological abuse
- guilt
- hostility
- intimidation
- isolation
- jealousy
- loneliness
- negativity
- physical abuse
- poor communication
- mockery
- stress
- unhappiness
- verbal abuse.
In an unhealthy relationship, you may feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells around your partner. Or you may feel like you always have to hide your true feelings or thoughts. You might even feel like you have to give up things you truly want just to make the other person happy. Another sign of an unhealthy relationship is feeling a lack of balance. One-sided relationships are those in which one person invests more effort, energy, and emotions into maintaining the relationship. Such relationships can be unhealthy, and the person doing all the work often feels unsupported, isolated, and exhausted. Sometimes unhealthy behaviors can surface during periods of extreme stress. In other cases, ongoing patterns of unhealthy behavior can worsen over time or come to the surface during different stages of the relationship. In some instances, these issues can be addressed with self-help techniques or with the help of mental health professionals. However, if your relationship involves abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or sexual, your first priority should be to ensure a safe environment and life for yourself.
How to Change an Unhealthy Relationship
The social connection and support provided by a relationship are crucial for physical and emotional well-being. Research has shown that healthy relationships can positively impact your life, including reducing the risk of premature death and protecting against loneliness and isolation. Given the importance of relationships for your overall well-being, it is crucial to take steps to protect yourself from individuals who may harm your health. If you believe you are in an unhealthy relationship, it is important to take action to address the issue. Change is possible if both parties are willing to confront the problems and are open to making positive changes.
- Assess if the relationship can be “fixed”
The first step is to assess whether the unhealthy relationship can be repaired. In order to heal the damage and move forward in a way that is healthy for both parties involved, it is essential that both parties are willing to participate in the process of working towards a healthier relationship. If one person is unwilling to change their unhealthy behavior, it is highly likely that such a relationship cannot be salvaged.
- Maintain your independence
Healthy relationships encourage and promote independence, not codependence. Individuals who are interdependent understand the benefits of being able to turn to their partner for support when needed, while also recognizing the value and importance of providing support to their partner. At the same time, they are capable of maintaining their own sense of independence separate from their partner, while nurturing their relationship with each other. When both individuals in a relationship strive for interdependence, they can find a balance where they can offer the emotional closeness and support their partner needs, without becoming dependent on the other person.
- Build a healthy connection
Building a healthy connection with another person is a crucial step in transforming an unhealthy relationship. Once you recognize unhealthy or toxic patterns that have been detrimental to your relationship, it is important to work together to overcome them and build a healthier connection with increased support. You can achieve this by following these steps:
- Work together to recognize and avoid unhealthy patterns in the relationship. The first step towards building a healthy emotional connection is to identify problematic patterns that have been causing distress for both of you and any destructive behaviors that have led to this point of disconnect.
- Create a list of emotional needs that are important to you. You cannot expect your partner to fulfill your emotional needs if you haven’t clearly expressed them. It is crucial to openly communicate to each other what you believe are the emotional goals for your relationship in order to achieve emotional understanding and connection between you.
- Offer emotional support to your partner. In order to establish emotional connection between you, both of you need to be willing to provide each other with positive emotional support, without judgment or manipulation.
- Actively listen when your partner speaks. Verbal communication is an important aspect of emotional connection, so make an effort to strengthen your bond through deep conversations that reflect emotional interest, understanding, and support.
- Avoid emotional manipulation. It is important not to use emotional connection as a means of manipulating the other person into doing something they don’t genuinely want to do. This will only further harm the relationship and diminish the emotional connection between you.
Here are some additional tactics that can be helpful:
- Maintain healthy boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries in your relationship to ensure that both you and your partner have space, respect, and autonomy.
- Have personal goals and work towards achieving them: Maintain a sense of individuality by setting and pursuing your own personal goals and aspirations. This helps to foster personal growth and fulfillment.
- Avoid diminishing yourself to please others: Value and prioritize your own needs, opinions, and values. Avoid sacrificing your self-worth or compromising your authenticity to satisfy others.
- Focus on being authentic: Be true to yourself and strive to express your genuine thoughts, feelings, and desires within the relationship. Authenticity fosters deeper emotional connection and understanding.
- Dedicate time to discover your likes and values: Take time to explore your own interests, passions, and values. This self-discovery allows you to bring your authentic self into the relationship and contributes to your overall happiness and fulfillment.
- Expect respect from others and show respect in return: Set a standard for respectful behavior within your relationship and expect the same from your partner. Likewise, demonstrate respect towards your partner and others in your interactions.
- Maintain relationships outside of the romantic partnership: Nurture connections and maintain relationships with friends, family, and other social circles. Having a diverse support system and social interactions outside the relationship can contribute to your overall well-being and happiness.
When to look for help
Knowing when to seek help is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. While there are many things you can do on your own to strengthen your bond, there are times when seeking professional assistance can be beneficial. Couples therapy can help you address individual and shared issues that may exist within your relationship. For example, a therapist can assist in treating any underlying psychological disorders that may be negatively impacting your connection with your partner. They can also help when partners have different expectations from the relationship. In unhealthy one-sided relationships, one person may invest more effort into the relationship while the other puts in less. A psychotherapist can help couples work on unhealthy communication patterns that may create toxicity and cause conflicts in the relationship. They can also assist each partner in developing and implementing skills that help them effectively manage conflicts in the relationship. Avoiding conflict is not always possible or advisable, as even healthy relationships have a certain level of disagreement and conflict. The key is learning to handle conflicts in an effective manner. Mastering this skill enables individuals to confront problems and make changes that ultimately benefit the health of the relationship.
Knowing When to End an Unhealthy Relationship
Not every relationship is worth saving. If you have done your part but the other person is unwilling to change or offer assistance, it might be time to turn around and invest your efforts into healthier relationships with others—relationships that provide more support and collaboration. If the other person refuses to change or if the situation involves any form of abuse, ending the relationship is often the best way to protect yourself.
