No one likes to admit it, but we all feel jealousy from time to time. It’s a feeling we all have, but it’s essential not to let it take control of our relationships.
Jealousy, which slightly differs from envy, is a feeling where you become protective of something you have and fear that someone or something might take it away from you.
From an evolutionary perspective, jealousy is actually an adaptive behavior. This means that we care about a relationship and do not want to lose it, says psychologist Susan Albers. She explains what jealousy is and how to prevent it from negatively impacting your well-being or relationships.
What is jealousy?
Unlike envy, which is a desire for something someone else has that you don’t, jealousy manifests as a fear of someone or something taking away what you have.
It comes to the surface when you strongly want to keep someone or something close to you. It comes in small bursts and can be uncomfortable, and in extreme forms, it can be toxic and harmful to relationships, says Dr. Albers.
Although jealousy is a normal feeling, giving it too much power can turn it into a catastrophe. It can also lead to losing what you’re trying to hold onto, causing stress and tension in the relationship.
How feelings of jealousy can manifest in relationships
- Feelings of anxiety or depression.
- Feelings of paranoia or obsessive worry.
- Obsession with your partner and what they’re doing.
- Growing distrust in your relationship or those around you.
- A sense of low self-worth or self-esteem.
Small pangs of jealousy often come and go, but persistent jealousy can seriously erode your self-esteem or self-image. Jealousy is an emotion often associated with shame because it is frequently coupled with negative thoughts like, “I’m so foolish to be jealous.” This can truly define your self-image in a negative way or make you feel intense shame, explains Dr. Albers.
Where does jealousy come from?
Insecurity
While it may seem that jealousy mainly involves what you feel towards someone else, in fact, it’s often our relationship with ourselves that is the root cause of toxic jealousy.
For many people, the true root of jealousy is insecurity. Being able to pinpoint what fuels that insecurity can shed light not only on you but also on your relationships. At the end of the day, if you feel unworthy of the relationship you’re in, your brain will start to overanalyze any threats that could harm or take that relationship away. In some cases, this can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy, says Dr. Albers.
Self-esteem issues
Low self-esteem can also increase jealousy in a relationship. If you’ve had past self-image issues, it may lead you to continually compare yourself to others and measure your worthiness or unworthiness in your relationships. If you don’t see that someone else values you or your relationship, it will further reinforce your belief that your relationship is in jeopardy, explains Dr. Albers.
Mood issues
If you’re prone to anxiety, you know that certain triggers can stimulate a fight-or-flight response. So, if your triggers are specifically related to your relationships, it can lead to jealousy manifesting in unhealthy ways. You may also have an anxiety-related problem, such as an anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder that is activated in relationships, says Dr. Albers.
Past traumas
One of the most challenging things after experiencing significant trauma from past relationships is moving forward in a new one. If you’ve experienced emotional abuse or infidelity, it can significantly impact your view of future relationships. In this situation, jealousy often reigns, making you feel anxious or afraid of losing the person you’re with right now.
Certain personality traits
People who tend to fixate on details or have intense emotions may experience jealousy more than others. This can lead you to continually question what someone is saying, whether it matches the details of a story, she says.
Other existing relationship issues
Sometimes jealousy isn’t just in your head. There can be real threats to the relationship, and sometimes what you notice may be related to an intuitive feeling that your relationship might be in jeopardy, acknowledges Dr. Albers.
How to stop feelings of jealousy
If you want to tackle your feelings of jealousy, try Dr. Albers’ tips.
- Examine your triggers
The first step in taming jealous feelings is recognizing your internal triggers. It’s important to identify when and why these emotions are ignited. For many people, there’s a pattern of situations or circumstances that can trigger jealousy. So, understanding these patterns can be helpful, says Dr. Albers.
- Reframe the situation
If you fixate on a specific aspect of your relationship that justifies your jealousy, it could be helpful to step back and reframe it. It’s also important to acknowledge that jealousy is a normal human emotion. It simply means you’re human. This is essential for the next step – communication – because if you don’t acknowledge and are not honest about your feelings, you won’t be able to share them with someone else, advises Dr. Albers.
- Express your concerns
After reflecting on where your feelings of jealousy come from and still feeling that pang in your gut, it’s essential to express those concerns to the person in your life. If you initially feel nervous about it, find a trusted friend or loved one who can help you put your feelings into words. Communication, not detective work, can build trust. It’s crucial to communicate what you’re feeling to your loved one. Also, assessing their reaction to your jealousy reveals a lot about the relationship.
Jealousy in non-romantic relationships
Although jealousy is often discussed in romantic relationships, it can be a prevalent emotion in other relationships as well. For example, you may start feeling jealous when a new friend joins your close-knit group or when a new colleague appears in your workplace.
