Forgiving yourself for past mistakes can be challenging, even after you’ve learned from them. Learning how to move forward and forgive yourself can be one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself.
Forgiving yourself as a challenge
If you’re feeling guilty, try to remember that you did the best you could with the resources you had available.
Your understanding of yourself and past situations today may not be the same as how you understood things in the past.
“It’s time to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now,” says Wayne Pernell, a clinical psychologist and author from San Francisco. “It’s time to forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself and having the conversations you’ve been replaying in your head for years.”
Time and growth may have given you a perspective you didn’t have when you made those mistakes. Knowing this means you’ve already learned the lesson.
“Feeling fear and guilt is allowed,” says Pernell. These feelings actually allow your present self to understand how you could have handled past mistakes differently. Now you can use that information for future situations.
Accepting guilt as an emotion
People experience emotions, and guilt is one of them.
According to Albert Nguyen, a clinical social worker from Palo Alto, California, guilt is just as important as any other emotion you feel.
“Every emotion serves a purpose to inform us about how we are. We’re all human. Let yourself feel that,” he says.
Guilt can actually help you become more compassionate because you understand that your actions can impact someone else.
Research also shows that accepting – not condemning – negative emotions like guilt is associated with greater psychological well-being.
If you’re feeling guilty, try to let it be and flow without ruminating on it. By feeling the emotion, you validate and accept it, which can help you process it and move on. In contrast, denying and suppressing it can put you in an endless loop that may affect your emotional health.
Self-compassion techniques
Self-compassion refers to treating yourself with the same care as you would someone you love. This includes the act of self-forgiveness.
Taylor Kinman, a licensed professional counselor from Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, believes that self-compassion is one of the most important things people can do for their mental health.
“When you beat yourself up or struggle to forgive yourself, ask yourself, ‘If my best friend were in this situation, what would I tell them?'” she suggests. “Many times, we are much harsher on ourselves than we would be on our loved ones.”
You can nurture self-compassion by:
- Reevaluating and changing negative thinking and self-talk
- Journaling your emotions, past mistakes, and challenging situations
- Practicing self-care
- Giving yourself words of encouragement and love whenever you experience negative emotions
- Reminding yourself that you did the best you could
Letting the wound heal
When you get a scratch and it forms a scab, your body immediately begins the healing process. Eventually, that scab forms and helps the tissue beneath heal. Removing the scab can slow down the healing process.
When you can’t forgive yourself, it’s like keeping an emotional wound open.
To help with this, Nguyen suggests observing behaviors that trigger intense feelings of guilt. It’s important to do this without judgment.
Nguyen recommends looking at these behaviors as separate from your identity. Try to see these actions without immediately thinking about what they say about you.
“Judging yourself based on what you did doesn’t help you solve the problem,” he adds.
In other words, try to focus on behaviors and possible ways to act differently, rather than pondering your character and identity.
For example, reframing a disagreement with a friend as “I raised my voice and constantly interrupted them” rather than “I’m intolerant and a bad friend.”
Considering the opposite perspective
When overwhelmed with guilt, it’s natural to assume that the other party is fixated on what happened in the same way. This may be the case, but it’s not always true.
Reminding yourself that the other person might not be affected the way you thought can help alleviate guilt, says Pernell.
Seeking forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness from someone you’ve hurt can be one of the most challenging things in life. It often involves confronting the situation, which can lead to a surge of uncomfortable emotions.
Nguyen says, “Another common thing with guilt is that it leads to avoidance – we’d rather punish ourselves and hide rather than acknowledge and directly address the issue.”
What happens when you avoid facing the situation? “It grows and festers inside when it shouldn’t,” Nguyen explains. “If you can, be willing to sincerely apologize and try to make amends appropriately to the person who was hurt.”
Attempting to rectify the situation, regardless of the outcome, can help you forgive yourself.
Engaging in instant boosts
Feeling overwhelmed by guilt at the moment? Taking a shower or bath might help.
A 2011 study suggests that self-cleansing can temporarily alleviate feelings of guilt or doubt.
Spending time with yourself can also help you consider the situation from different angles and gain perspective on how to approach the next steps.
