Can we reach an agreement? Maybe we can’t. Can we accept that as definitive? Or will we persist and expect others to understand us?
When there’s a lack of mutual understanding, whether within a family or a collective, conversations become cold, brief, and uncomfortable. Potential conflict lurks nearby. It’s all part of a real process.
Why is it like this?
We don’t understand each other, that’s clear, but we can’t accept it. That’s why these relationships are filled with raised voices, arguments, or even complaining to someone who understands the situation even less, hoping they’ll help us. Someone didn’t complete a task we consider important. Or we’re asked to do something we deem a waste of time. Then it all blends together, becoming gray, dense, and foggy. No one listens, sees, or empathizes anymore. Chaos ensues!
Is there a solution?
She says to me, “Look, in any case, we should sit down and each person should express their opinion and then try to reach an agreement.” I agree with the first step of sharing our own views. It’s commendable and necessary to be heard and express ourselves. Experienced communicators can use this opportunity to gather information from the listeners. Who is genuinely interested and who gets on our nerves. We don’t need to be interesting to others if we find ourselves interesting.
When we express our opinions, we can expect some interlocutors not to remain silent but interrupt, roll their eyes, get up, and leave. And much more, which is actually possible. So, this first step is a gamble or an initial risk, and we need to accept that. It will be what it needs to be. It’s not bad. We will gain new information about the participants. That’s how we should view possible outcomes.
As we can see, there are numerous solutions. Predicting the results is not possible. However, the biggest mistake is blindly believing that agreement should prevail and forcing it. It’s best to throw away the glasses through which we perceive it.
Differences divide us
People are so different from each other, with different interests and priorities, that we may never achieve absolute agreement. Consider what matters most to you in life and create a list of lesser priorities.
What we’ve been taught is important shapes our lives; we each live by those parameters. This is true for all of us. But we were raised by different people, which is why we differ. It’s important to realize that after expressing our opinions, we can’t draw a line and reach a common agreement.
The worst thing we can do is believe that there must always be an agreement. Sometimes agreements work for us but not for others, and vice versa. It’s better not to enter into those endless loops. Sometimes there simply isn’t an agreement, and it shouldn’t be forced because we are as different as night and day. However, there is something called fair relationships.
By forcing artificial understanding, we know it won’t last; it will only worsen. Understanding someone and empathizing with them, allowing them to be who they are, is one thing. Tolerating their behavior if they’ve crossed the boundaries of decency or accepting that they do things differently than what matters to us is another.
Values define us
What matters to us is our value, which sets us apart from others or connects us with like-minded individuals. We shape our lives based on our values, choosing partners, jobs, work strategies, and plans. Our values are embedded within them. When we consider something important, valuable, we will act quickly and efficiently. Otherwise, we won’t.
And now we come to a crucial point in this whole discussion: a solution that works will only happen if we share similar or the same values. In neurolinguistic programming, these are called “maps.” Imagine two hands that want to overlap, and they barely touch with the tips of one finger from each hand. Even then, there’s a chance for agreement.
So, if they overlap, two people have at least one tiny thing in common. That thing is a value that brings them together. It allows them to work together, be friends, and function as a team or in any collaborative work. Without that, those two individuals will eventually separate and each go their own way in search of someone with similar or identical values.
That’s why we have the wise saying that some people come into our lives while others leave. And that’s okay. We can use this knowledge not only to understand and accept that we can’t always agree or move in the same direction but also when choosing friends, collaborators, and partners. It’s pleasant to be in the company of like-minded individuals, but it’s difficult and somewhat tiresome when we are completely different, with each person pulling in their own direction. Only through agreement can a house be built, while arguments tear it down, as the old saying goes.
Conscious individuals are surrounded by people with similar values
So, let’s stop being naive and thinking that we can smooth out all these types of problems or any other. We can force conversations, shed tears, push our own thoughts, considering them correct in the hope of achieving consensus. The sooner we reconcile with the fact that after all those efforts, we may still end up where we started, the less we will exhaust ourselves and invest our energy in other plans and other people.
Conscious individuals surrounded by people who share their values are drawn to life situations aligned with their values, and their lives are not filled with suffering. Of course, their lives are not perfect and the most positive in the world; they have ups and downs.
If life were a straight line, it would die. That’s why it’s a curve that constantly rises and falls within a greater or smaller range. As long as it remains that way, we have the opportunity to shape our lives according to our values, as we desire.
Respecting differences
Even the most different individuals have at least one tiny thing in common. We need to make an effort to find that if it’s important for us to function. Never abandon your values to establish artificial agreements. You’ll harm yourself greatly, leading to self-destructiveness. Suppressing your unhappiness is detrimental to your health.
Live your values and allow others to do the same. Seek your flock because you have the right to it. Someone is undoubtedly waiting to become part of your flock; make them happy.
